I moved back home. He moved back home. For some reason, I used to really really really like him. We were never exclusive. I have never been in love, but there were times when I thought it hurt so bad that the only reason was because I loved him.
He knew how I felt, yet he blamed me for not ever being a couple. He flaunted stupid bitches in my face and I flaunted FB in front of his. (FB=Freshman Boyfriend, that again, was never actually a boyfriend but more of a permanent date to all sorority functions and a schoolgirl crush and one really hot makeout). He said that the reason he dated Melissa and Emmie is because we never really talked about where we stood. That is true. I was afraid. Being hurt and him not actually being my boyfriend seemed like a better alternative that getting dumped or breaking up and being hurt, because then that would be it. But by not actually ever really being anything, we just kept going around in circles.
The problem is that I think this situation has scarred me. I don't feel pretty to someone unless I am intimate with them. Then, I feel wanted. Attractive. Sexy. The only time I really felt wanted and liked by him was when we were intimate. Because we were alone and there was no one else.
He booty called me Friday night. 2:20 am. I didn't go. But I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it. Feeling attractive and wanted and pretty, it's a high. I don't feel that way very often and I think that is why I have casual sex in my life. I hate that. I hate that that is the reason. I told him that I am better than a booty call now. And if he wants to see me, he should call me in the afternoon to hang out that night.
I am really going to try and be strong. Admitting my problem is the first step right? My friends hate him. Well, they hate how he treated me. I haven't even physically seen him in over 2 years. I will see him tomorrow night. He is going with me to the hockey game. That is casual and fun. My problem is that it would be easier to stay strong if I had other options. Other guys. But I don't, at least not right now. And that makes it easy to fall into an old rut with him.
1.21.2008
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3 comments:
I honestly don't know what to say. I think you have to find a way to feel attractive and sexy all by yourself. If I knew how, I swear I'd tell you sweetie. Realizing that you are worth more than what her offered wil hopefully make you demand it this time. Know that you can. Call me if you need me - I'm always here.
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Home Theater, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://home-theater-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
Hi -- I'm wondering if you can email me. I'm a writer working on a CNN story about people who dislike their friends' boyfriends/girlfriends or those who dislike their boyfriend's/girlfriend's friends. Got that? ; } I see from your blog that you're in that category. I'd love to talk to you. I'm at mmsalamon@att.net.
Thanks so much.
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